The Joy Of Text
Taken from Vodafone's 'The Joy of Text', here's a few different types of text that ring true...TOILET TEXT
One of the great advantages of text over telephone conversations is that they can be sent from anywhere without the recipient being any the wiser (see also Deception).
Toilets are perfect for this.
However, if living in shared accommodation, toilet texts should be kept short as long periods in the oubliette can elicit suspicion and even anger from housemates.
Toilet texts should only be attempted in the sitting position. Men on occasion have been known to attempt it while standing, but this has inevitably led to accidents, no matter how proficient at either activity the male in question considers himself to be.
LECTURE TEXT
The lecture text is another of the sitting positions. The phone is held in one hand beneath the desk, usually between the thighs. The other elbow is placed on the desk with the hand elevated, supporting the forehead and protecting the eyes from observation.
Lecture texts are often sent to alleviate boredom, generally to someone attending the same lecture. The subject is usually the lecturer, or another student - usually of the opposite sex.
BLANK TEXT
Not to be confused with a Mystery Text. Blank texts are sent involuntarily when your phone is in your pocket or bag, invariably to the first name in your phone book. To avoid annoying Alf, always lock your keypad.
MYSTERY TEXTS
Mystery Texts are sent you to from an unknown number, and have been known to cause paranoia. 4 courses of action are as follows:
A: Ignore them, believing some of life's mysteries are best left alone
B: Reply in a polite and measured fashion, apologising for not having stored the sender's number in your phone address book, followed by an enquiry as to who the sender is
C: Respond by teasing the information out of the sender without them realising you haven't a clue.
D: Reply in an aggressive manner, demanding to know who the texter is and what they want, using numerous derogatory terms and industrial language. This often leads to embarrassment when you discover the sender is infact your girlfriend's mother or some frail elderly relative.
INSECURITY TEXT
Texting friends can be used in certain circumstances to reassure us. This is a perfectly natural form of textual expression. But remember, the reduced inhibitions associated with texting can sometimes work against you. If, for example you find yourself texting someone at 5am you met in a club a few hours earlier to tell them what a great time you had and will they be your boy/girlfriend.
EX TEXTS
Ex Texts are messages sent to a recent Ex. They can be Desperate/Bitter (I FAKED THEM. ALL OF THEM), Desperate/Mundane (FOUND YOUR ABBA CD, SHALL I DROP IT ROUND), or just plain desperate (WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE YOU LOVE ME)
To maintain a healthy text life: avoid...
DRUNKEN EX TEXTS
Alcohol and texting rarely mix well. Both lower inhibitions so it any surprise that when these two healthy ingredients combine with an ex love it's a recipe for shame and remorse? - And never allow a friend to write the message for you.
APOLOGY TEXT
Quite often required in the wake of a Drunken Ex Text. Often used when someone is too angry to speak to you, or you are too ashamed to call them.
ANGER TEXT
Sending an Anger Text can be deeply therapeutic. They are used to tell someone just how vexed you are when you either cannot or will not speak to them
LATE TEXT
Text is also a marvellous format for delivering bad news that you are not inclined to comment on. Running late? Let them know without saying why or when you will turn up (IE too many beers the night before, bad hair day, awoke to find and interesting bedfellow)
STAYING OUT LATE TEXT
These are sent to a girl or boyfriend to let them know not to wait up. Particularly useful when you are too drunk to hold a coherent conversation, but are determined to stay out late:
1- Because you have written a record you can refer to the following morning (evidence)
2- Having sent the message, you can then switch off your phone or claim not to have heard it ringing to avoid any unpleasantness
STITCHED TEXT
A text message is generally accompanied by the sender's name and number, so the mesage is generally assumed to come from that person. It is therefore vitally important that your mobile never gets into the wrong hands. Do not leave it adjacent to your alco-pop bottle when popping to the loo. If you do, be prepared to learn from various friends and family that you are pregnant, over/under endowed, or that your name is Dorothy on the weekends.
BOOTY TEXT
The Booty Text uses sexually provocative language to try and instigate sexual congress with the recipient - usually and old flame or ex. It is most commonly employed around pub closing time. When texting 'a regular booty call' a degree of directness can be used. When texting someone who's reaction is harder to predict, it is perhaps advisable to test the water first before plunging in with a: FNCY 1 FR OLD TMES SAKE? Or something similar.
DECEPTION
Lying to someone's face can be hard to pull off, and even lying on the phone can be stressful (background noise from your Karaoke night can be a dead give away). Text is the obvious solution. Messages can be tailored to vary from the mundane to the outlandish.
DUMPING
Take the trauma out of dumping an over-ardent partner text. Forget all that face-to-face nonsense, the endless tears and recriminations, with a simple text. The details may vary, but the message is always the same: YVE BIN DMPD
GROUP TEXT
Once frowned upon as impersonal, Group Text is largely accepted by the more open minded. It involves sending the same message to a group of people. Usually the message is an invitation (PARTY OVA HERE), or an announcement (BAZZA IS A LYING BSTRD)
